Do You Feel Inferior?

Published January 27, 2009

I recently attended a self-esteem conference conducted by my colleague and mentor, Alan Weiss. Lack of self-esteem is one of the most debilitating psychological factors affecting even very educated and successful people. I see the symptoms regularly in the coaching that I do with lawyers. Too many people who can benefit from coaching shy away from it because they fear that it shows them to be “inadequate” or that they will be unable to stand up to a coach’s “bullying.” In actuality, a coach offers leadership that inspires you to be better, and accepting coaching means you have enough self-confidence to accept resources that will help you succeed.

Certainly, I have my own experience with feelings of inadequacy. For many years, I thought “success” was how much money one earned each year. Then, as a practicing lawyer handling divorces, I wondered how my clients could earn more than I, be perceived as “successful,” yet have a net worth less than mine. Then, as a coach and consultant to lawyers and law firms, I thought that lawyers in large firms, especially equity partners, were more “successful” than I who, as a sole practitioner, both earned less than they and didn’t have the power of a large organization to help achieve my goals.

Eventually, I got beyond these feelings by recognizing and accepting the success that I had built in my life and career, success that met my own definitions. Participants in Alan’s conference gave suggestions on how to achieve this recognition and acceptance for oneself. Consider these for a moment:

  • Efficacy and self-worth are separate. You can be excellent at a given pursuit, but not feel good about yourself, and vice versa. This may be one of the most difficult challenges facing people in our materialistic and “hard-charging” society.
  • Personal relationships are a key foundation of self-worth. If you can positively and constructively engage in your personal relationships, your self-worth improves. Those fortunate to be in close, loving families are truly blessed.
  • You can look at self-esteem as a “verb,” an action, leading to a condition, or “noun” – self-confidence.
  • Positive self-talk is one of the most powerful tools to build self-worth. Stop apologizing and be honest about your own talent and abilities. Don’t generalize from a specific: Just because you didn’t understand a play doesn’t mean you’re ignorant about art.
  • It’s not about what life deals you, it’s how you deal with life. This is the key to success!

A famous assertion by Eleanor Roosevelt says it all: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

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Audience type: Administrators, Associates, Large Law Firms, Small Law Firms, Sole Practitioners